So a couple of weeks ago (maybe the night of or close to the chocolate and popcorn night of shame), I finally confessed probably the lowest part of my self-esteem - that I don't think I'm pretty. When Caleb pressed me as to why I was beating myself up so much about some chocolate and popcorn one night (aside from the stomachache), I finally had to admit that because I'm so self-conscious about my face, I feel like I have to control my body.
Aside from plastic surgery (which I have never seriously considered), there's nothing I can really do to change my face. I can work on the skin (by washing my face more, not picking at zits, eating healthy) to reduce breakouts, but I'll never be able to change the structure, which is essentially what makes it good looking or not. So since I can't change my face, I think I've chosen to focus on something I feel I can control, my body. As in, if I can't be pretty, at least I can be skinny (or at least toned/in shape).
So when I fail to lose weight, or gain some back, or not achieve the results I want, I beat myself up. It's almost to the point that I believe I'd be more attractive with a prettier face, plus ten pounds. But that's not an option, so the 10 pounds must go.
I'm realizing that this is extremely unhealthy thinking, and realizing it makes me more aware so I can do something about it. And I'm not soliciting sympathy - I know I'm not grotesque, and not half as bad as many people out there. But again, as the perfectionist that can't help comparing herself to EVERYONE, it still doesn't feel quite good enough.
Frankly, I'm shocked [and thankful] every day that Caleb likes the way I look so much. And he really has been one of the most influential people to help me realize that I'm not ugly. I think he's really attractive, so I'm inclined to believe that he's not lying when he says I'm attractive, too. (And marrying me helped the convincing, too, haha.)
I know that I am much healthier after losing some weight and changing my eating and exercising habits. That's a good thing. But when you focus so much on something you ignored and let go by the wayside for so long, it does bring some skeletons out of the closet. I realize that part of my journey is working on my relationship with food (namely emotional eating and guilt) and my body image. I may have improved some stats like weight and body fat percentage, but I've still got a ways to go on the emotional scale.
[As a side note, I wonder if my preoccupation with my face is also why I hate anything coming near my head. I really hate people touching my face and head, and am really paranoid of things flying at my head, and get really upset when they do. Like, to the point that I still have to hold back tears if someone accidentally hits me in the head with a ball or something. Hmmm...]
1 comment:
I can't even begin to analyze the object near head thing, I'm still guessing a childhood trauma.
Your post both shocks me, and doesn't. There are lots of days, weeks, months when I feel unattractive. When I think the same things, things about making my body better so that the face can be forgiven... but there are a lot of days I feel pretty good too, can see my face as acceptably pretty. And it's very... brave of you to admit. Do you have good days too? I know it doesn't count for much coming from a female friend, but I've seen you be beautiful, and not just for who you are, but the body and face you're in (ha, what a reverse). I don't know if it counts for much on your scale of pretty, but you're one of my prettiest friends... top three for sure. I hope you find a way to see it more.
And aside from all that jazz about you being actually pretty, YOU'RE A CITY OF A WOMAN, goddammit! And you better start remembering what really matters and what really makes someone beautiful. An actress is usually only as beautiful as the character she plays. And you're for real.
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