Have a Little Faith In Me

So, I was inspired when listening to the song "Gabriel and the Vagabond" by Foy Vance. It's a really pretty song from the soundtrack of Grey's Anatomy that talks about an angel giving people on the street hope.

It got me thinking about some of the things I've been throwing around in my head when considering my own faith, or perhaps lack of it. To preface these thoughts:

My questioning of faith began sometime in late high school. Two things about my church and the things my pastor taught us struck a dissonant chord in me - our pastor's yearly Mother's Day sermons about how women were made to support men and their job in this world is to have kids or take care of others', and the church's stance on homosexuals, which was borderline homophobic. I disagreed on both counts, which made me question if I really belonged in that church, and maybe in that faith.

The real turning point for me, however, was in the fall of my senior year of high school, when my uncle committed suicide. It shook our family to the core, and I'm sure made all of us either question our faith, or for some, perhaps made it stronger if they turned to their faith for support. For me, it made my decision clear - I refused to believe in a God that would send my uncle to Hell. From everything I had been taught, that meant the Christian God.

Throughout college and up until now, it's been quite confusing for me on how to define my faith, or if it really is "faith." I figured I had received 18 years of Christian teaching, so I thought I'd look into some other areas as well. I've learned a little bit about the other two major religions, Judaism and Islam, but they seemed the same as Christianity - blind worship of a jealous god (perhaps the same god). Buddhism and Confuscianism seemed cool - more like guides to living life instead of a set of rules to worship something you don't know exists.

I also read two books on Atheism - The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins and Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. Both of these opened my eyes as well, but I still find it hard to give up the comforting thought of something out there that is bigger than me, that has some kind of plan, or that cares about humankind. One book that I really identified with was Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. While not necessarily about religion, she spends time at an Ashram in India and with a faith healer in Indonesia, and really searches her soul for her own "god" and spirituality. She really finds this to be a sort of energy and life force that is within her and connected to everything else in the universe, as well. Her way of remaining spiritual, with having something out that that was bigger than her, but not necessarily an omnipotent being, really spoke to me.

To get back to the song that started me thinking about all of this, it made me wonder - why can't humans be enough for each other? In the song, it talks about an angel bringing hope to a homeless man, and that man helping a woman, and so on. Why does it have to be an angel? Why can't humanity, and the caring that human beings have for each other, be enough for us to believe in, without needing an other-worldly "god"?

I guess I know the answer... because not everyone cares about everyone else, that people are cynical, uncaring, untrusting of each other. I think in a world where people believed in humanity and cared more about each other, free healthcare would not be a question - of course everyone deserves to be looked after. Higher taxes to pay for this? Ok, because it could help someone else.

I digress... I guess I'm still questioning, though, trying to find the answers that make the most sense to me. Good luck to everyone else on the same path.