...

Sometimes I feel like I should really be in some form of grad school right now. I mean, a lot of my close friends are, and will have great careers because of it. And frankly, sometimes I feel like I'm too smart to settle for just a bachelor's degree. I can do so much more than that.

But for now, I'm not sure what I want to go back for, so it seems like it would kind of be a waste of money to go to school just to go, without any future career in mind. I think I would really end up going two routes : An MBA seems logical, with an emphasis in something like Project Management, Marketing, or Human Resources. I've also toyed with the idea of going back for something to do with non-profit work. There's lots of options, like public administration, specialties in things like social work, and even classes specifically on grant writing. (Those do not sound very fun, though.)

I think it's smart to know what I want to do before I jump into anything, but I feel like I'm running out of time... as in, I'm getting married this summer, then wait a couple years, and then kids? I really, really, want to get grad school out of the way before kids come along, but I also don't want to be 35 before I have my first kid. I know that the right answer is that I need to get experience in something, find out what I love and what I want to go for, that it will all happen in good time, blah, blah, blah.

But I just feel like I'm on this set track in life that I can't get off. And for the most part, I'm ok with that track - I love Caleb and want to marry him, and I do want kids someday, not soon, but someday. Right now they terrify me, though. I know that they are supposed to be so fulfilling and fun and I'll find myself anew as a mother, yadda yadda yadda, but right now, they just seem like the biggest time-suck imaginable. Like, honestly, right now I feel like once you have kids, your life is over and theirs begins, and you can kind of start to pick yours up eventually along the way as they get older.

Bah - this is so negative, and I'm really probably just feeling this way because I'm not ready for kids yet, which is ok. I'm freaking 23 years old. I'm sure I'll change my tune in a few years, but for now... no monsters - er - munchins for me.