4 weeks, 5 days

Eleanor turned one month on Friday, and will be 5 weeks old on Wednesday. I can't believe it. I can't believe she is that old, and also that we survived this time. It was (and still is) HARD. Like, I'm serious when I say I don't really know how we got through it. I miss sleep. A lot. But somehow we're kind of functioning and I'm not miserable all day every day.

I get pretty bored during the day, and it gets very old that all day consists of trying to get her to sleep, which is also what the night consists of. I do enjoy her and think she is the cutest baby there ever was, and love her coos and facial expressions and how she follows and reacts to me, but I miss having a break sometimes and being able to do things that I enjoy.

I know I'm supposed to bask in this time and enjoy it so much, but honestly, I'm looking forward to her growing and changing over the next few months. I want to be able to play with her, want her to be able to entertain herself a little, want her to sleep better, want her to eat and poop more easily.... but all that will come with time.

It's been hard because honestly, I don't think I bonded immediately with her, and I'm still working on it. My love for her grows each day, but I'll admit that I didn't feel it as much as I had hoped at the beginning. Part of that could have been because the birth was traumatic and I was so sick afterwards, and part of it could have been my anxiety and some baby blues the first few weeks (and sometimes now).

But rest assured, things are getting better, partly because we're getting used to her and she is growing and getting better at things like breastfeeding, but also because I've been learning to go with the flow a little bit more. And by that I mean, I just have to deal with what she gives us, respond to what she tells us she needs, and especially when sleep is concerned, accept that this is just how it is now, we can survive on less sleep for a while, and know that things will eventually change and get better. Being patient for the "better" isn't easy, but there's not a lot else we can do.

And now, for the best part, more Lenny pics: