7 weeks, 6 days

So it's been almost a month since I last posted. We all knew this would happen. When free time is at a premium, sleep or shower or other more basic things come wayyyy before blogging. But someone fell asleep in her car seat and is content to stay that way for a while, so here I am.

We are at 8 weeks. I've been a mom for 2 months. And honestly, I still don't really feel like one. I'm still struggling to accept this new reality and let go of our old life. I yearn for a night of uninterrupted sleep (although my boobs would probably explode with milk), for the ability to lounge around and watch TV shows with Caleb, to go out to dinner and a movie whenever we feel like it, to have time to myself, to eat at a normal pace.... essentially to have my freedom back. I know things will normalize eventually in some fashion, but I'm still not quite adjusted.

I have been seeing a counselor and she's been really helpful. This week we discussed the pressure I put on myself to be a "good mom", and my feelings of inadequacy surrounding that. I should note that prior to this counseling session, Caleb, my mom, and my sister all essentially said the same thing to me - that I need to give myself a break, let others help with Eleanor more, and not be so hard on myself. I essentially still don't feel like I love her enough or have truly "bonded" in order to call myself a "good mom". And I have a lot of guilt surrounding the fact that I can't wait to go back to work. It feels like going to work will be a break. While I know it will present its own challenges of balance and sleep deprivation and shifting gears in my head, it just sounds so great to go back to something from my old life, because I have so little sense of my old self lately.

Some of my homework to help me through this time includes:

• taking at least 30 minutes to myself each day to detach myself from Eleanor and do whatever I want
• pumping and letting others give her bottles so I can get away and do things (including a possible date with Caleb soon)
• not Googling for a week, in order to reduce the anxiety it inevitably produces and also to increase my confidence in caring for her without researching everything
• thinking about what makes a good mother (and trying to accept that I do indeed embody the traits and criteria I list)

Wish me luck on my endeavors.

To also update on how Ms. Lenny has been doing..... it's been up and down. Last week Caleb was gone for a work conference, but having him gone was actually very bearable due to all the help I had. I was alone less when he was gone than when he's here, because of having my sister, mom, in-laws, and friends come visit. Eleanor actually went through an awful spell last week of sleeping only 1.5-2 hour spells at night, crying in pain whenever she had gas or was pooping, struggling with breastfeeding and trying to destroy my nipples..... it was rough. But she seems to be coming out of it the last couple days, which is a relief. 

Some awesome things she's been doing is smiling a lot, starting to laugh, watching/following/kind of playing with toys, she rolled over once from tummy to back, and is just more alert and aware of her surroundings.

And now for the good stuff...

Visited Mom and Dad's workplaces

Ruth Baby Ginsburg

Snuggles with Grandma