Update on a rough week

So if you didn't notice from the last post, I've been struggling a little this last week or so. All that really came to a head Tuesday night, when I was talking on the phone to my mom, who gently suggested that I was perhaps focusing too much on the bad parts of what was to come, and not thinking at all about the good stuff.

This then snowballed into the realization that I'd reverted back to my coping mechanism of only anticipating how hard things would/could be after Baby arrives, and not allowing myself to experience excitement or hope for good things to come. It sent me right back to how I felt at the beginning of this pregnancy, when I was still working through things with my counselor because while I was pregnant again, I felt incapable of accessing positive emotions like excitement or hope for the future, because I was too scared of it all being taken away again.

I was then terrified that I was still "broken" going into motherhood and that there was something still inherently wrong with me. And honestly, revisiting the emotions I had so soon after the miscarriage was just painful. I hadn't felt them in quite a while and they came back full force. Feeling like I was unable to be excited/loving/hopeful for my baby was devastating, and made me worry that I wouldn't bond with her and would plunge into postpartum depression and be a terrible mother. (I do acknowledge that because of my recent experiences with anxiety and depression, I am likely a bit more prone to possible postpartum depression - which is normal and treatable and everything would be ok if it did happen.)

But after the storm had passed, and I had talked things through with Caleb and a couple of good friends, I feel like I've come out on the other side a bit. I think a lot of it was the realization that those coping mechanisms were still there, and I wasn't just magically, fully "healed" from my experience with my miscarriage, which was maybe the scariest thing. But once I acknowledged what was happening, and was reassured that it was normal and could be dealt with, I'm feeling a lot better.

I've listened to some of my guided imagery that is focused on pregnancy, which is so relaxing and comforting, and have been trying to give myself a break in many areas. We all know I'm an over-achiever, but I think that during the last month of pregnancy, I can maybe cut myself some slack. I'm trying to practice some grace and compassion with myself, not judging my emotions as they arise, and trying to actively focus on positive feelings. One that makes me smile is that for a while, I've had a mental image of what I think Baby C will kind of look like - mostly that I think she will have dark, spikey hair. Thinking of what she'll look like all bundled up and snuggly is a sweet image that I'll hold on to.

I also think it helps that I am super looking forward to our baby shower this weekend! Friends are coming from out of town to attend and it will be so fun! Also after this shower is when I'm going to buy the last stuff that we will want to have before Baby arrives, which means finalizing the nursery and stuff, which is also exciting!

Here's to a better next three weeks.... or more. Pretty sure Baby C will make her entrance when she pleases. :)