5.5 months

So Lenny is almost 6 months..... and I have been a mother for almost half a year! The last post I talked all about Lenny, which is easy to do, but I thought I'd also give an update on me.

So even though I've been feeling much more comfortable with motherhood, and we have some little routines and have figured some things out.... I still struggle at times. One thing that is hard is the unsettling feeling of never feeling 100% content. Like, when I'm at work, I think about Lenny and wish I could see her and hold her and make her laugh, and I can't wait to get home and play with her. But as soon as I step through the door, I feel tired with all there is to do at home, and how it can be exhausting to entertain a baby for hours, and hoping she's not fussy, and looking forward to when she goes to bed so I can chill for an hour or so. When I'm away from her, I am thinking of her and missing her, but when I'm with her for a while, I am often wanting a break or some me time. It sucks never quite feeling content just where I'm at.

I've also been thinking a lot more about the birth. My therapist and I have been covering it more lately, probably because I've calmed down a bit about just being a mother, and now I'm feeling more ready to revisit the birth and give myself some space to really process it. My therapist likens a lot of my emotions toward the birth to grief - I'm grieving the loss of the good birth experience I so desperately wanted. I'm sad that I didn't get to have a vaginal birth, where I could feel like I worked hard and accomplished something at the end. Instead, I labored and was so sick and exhausted by the end it felt kind of like giving up (even though I realize the c-section had to happen for Lenny and I's health). I'm sad my baby and I didn't get our "golden hour" to bond right after the birth, because I was so sick. I remember very little of seeing her after the birth, and that makes me really sad. I was also really sick for the next day or so because I was still on magnesium sulfate for the preeclampsia, and I don't remember much more than struggling to feed her and sleeping. I felt like I was robbed of my initial chance to bond with her. Then I was so weak and tired when I first got home.... It just makes me really sad that a day (and days) that should have been some of the happiest in my life were also some of the worst. I know the first few days aren't easy, but if I hadn't of been sick with the preeclampsia and recovering from a c-section, I think it would have been a lot better.

I'm also angry that along with having a shitty birth, it complicates things for if I have another child. Instead of knowing that I can make it through a vaginal birth and expecting the same moving forward, I now have to choose between a repeat c-section or a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). Both have their drawbacks. VBAC is technically safer and better for my body, but it's not a guarantee that it will be successful (I've seen success rates of 74-82%). I of course fear that my body will fail again and that I'd prepare and hope for a VBAC and then be stuck with a c-section again, which might devastate me. I am also afraid that if I did a VBAC, I might have complications from a vaginal birth (like incontinence or deep perineal tearing or something), so essentially my body will experience the worst of both worlds for each birth. A repeat c-section would be able to be scheduled and I'd know what to expect for recovery, but would also deprive me of the chance of ever having a vaginal birth if I wanted it. I've clearly got time to consider all this, but it just makes me mad that I even have to.

So along with processing all of this, I've been having some flashbacks of the birth, general anxiety, and trouble sleeping at night just thinking about it. I think I suppressed it for a long time and it's coming back to be dealt with. I'm so thankful that I'm already working with the therapist I have, because while it's hard, it's good to work through it.

This was kind of a Debbie Downer post, and honestly I am doing well the majority of the time. To bring us back up, I will say that for the most part, Lenny is a friggin delight lately. Rolling like a champ, usually sleeping pretty good, and great baby laughs and smiles. Here's a few pics to end us on a high note: