Grief

I know I need to catch up on my Lent days, and I will later. But for now, I'm sad.

My grandpa died. It's been a few days and it doesn't seem real, or sometimes it seems like it happened years ago and I'm over it now. Except I'm not. It seems like I go in spurts - all day, it's like nothing has changed. I run, eat lunch, talk with family, play with kids, do homework...

And then I go to his visitation. I've been fine the past day or so, no tears, but then seeing his body for the first time literally sent a shock through my body. I stood in the doorway of the funeral home, frozen, and scared. The last time I saw him, it was awful. I couldn't look at his face without losing it. When he was awake, he looked like he was 100 years older than his 86 years, he looked exhausted, sad, and almost haunted. His eyes were wild and confused, and he looked nothing like the Grandpa I knew. It scared me. It makes me cry to write about it.

Caleb stood right there with me at the beginning of the visitation, holding my hand and body as my body literally jerked towards the door - I wanted to run out of that room, run out of the funeral home, and run until my body couldn't go any more. I did not want to face that body, that thing in the casket that was not my grandpa. But slowly, I approached the casket. And it hurt. It brought back a lot of memories of my Uncle Craig's funeral, all the pain and confusion of the first significant loss of my adult life.

I've felt so extremely awkward these past few days. I find myself hiding a lot. I went to work Friday morning, the night after we saw Grandpa right before he died, and I hid in an office all morning. Although I appreciated the kind words from my coworkers and am grateful for their thoughts for me during this time, I hated having to stand there, say thank you, not cry like they expected....

And then when I do cry, I hide. Even when the rest of my family is crying around me, I sneak away and bury myself in Caleb's shirt (because he follows me and knows how I am). I don't want the rest of them to see me cry, don't want them to fuss over me and make it "worse" somehow. I also don't want to make a show, because I feel like it's not about me, that I didn't really know him that well, that other people are hurting more, so who am I to take their attention with my tears.

I am forever grateful for Caleb who, when we are alone, lets it be about me. About me losing my grandpa. About me dealing with grief again, in a new, different and confusing way. Confusing because really, I feel better now. Seeing my grandpa in hospice, moaning, uncontrolled, confused and in pain... that was worse than this. I've never had grief where I was glad it's over, glad it's done.

I feel sad and relieved at the same time.