Through Her Eyes

Sorry to leave you hanging after that last post. But.... life.

Miss Eleanor is 14 months old.... we made it over a year! While one side of me celebrates "making it" a year.... each day continues to march on as a parent, now with new toddler things instead of baby things. But I'm enjoying this stage wayyyyyy more than where we were a year ago, that's for sure.

So last night, I was watching "This Is Us," and crying, of course. The episode featured a guy who struggles with anxiety, whose wife is about to give birth to their first child. He is freaking out, feels unprepared, and is afraid he won't have the answers his future child will need. A very kind stranger gives him this advice: “What they don’t tell you is that babies come with the answers. They come out, they look up at you, and you at them, and they tell you who you are.” 

That quote really struck me. I immediately reflected upon my own experience, and thought, when Lenny looks up at me, who does she think I am? And the answer made me cry. She thinks I'm the best person in the whole world. I'm her source of comfort, cuddles, kisses, soothing noises, and calming songs. I'm the most fun person ever, who makes her smile so big when we see each other, who chases her around the kitchen, reads books in silly voices, and tickles her and gives her raspberries to make her laugh. I nourished her from my body for almost a year, I now help her experience new foods, and provide her with an endless supply of Cheerios. I am her home, her mama, her favorite person in the world.

When I saw myself through her eyes, it made me realize that despite all of my fears and anxiety about motherhood.... I did it, and I'm doing it. I'm not perfect, but all those things I doubted about myself, Lenny reaffirms that I'm doing just fine. I had all those things deep inside of me that I feared I lacked. I'm a good mother. I'm a good mom.

When I was in the depths of my postpartum depression, I honestly could not say those words. A written goal for my therapy plan was "to be able to believe I am a good mom." I was so afraid that I wasn't enough and that I couldn't give Lenny what she deserved. I did as much as I could for her, but for a long time I felt like I was just going through the motions and providing her with basic needs, but that I still wasn't good enough. But when I look back at myself a year ago, I did so much for her out of love, and that's exactly what she needed. While I couldn't admit it to myself, I was being a great mother.

So to all you new moms, or moms-to-be, or experienced moms who struggle with wondering if you're a good mother......... You are. You will be. You are exactly what your child needs. And it's ok if you don't believe it for a while. You'll get there.