Baby Dreams

Today I'm 17 weeks, 3 days pregnant. And the weird baby dreams have begun. Last weekend I had an awful dream that I almost drove off a mountain road, and along with the normal fear of a fatal car crash, I kept screaming, "No, baby, no, baby!" in my head. Woke up crying. While I have been trying to be responsible and do what's best for Baby (eating healthy, exercising, avoiding alcohol/caffeine/etc.), I honestly haven't felt a lot of "connection" to Baby, such as motherly or protective feelings yet. So while this dream was awful, it at least demonstrated that I do have protective, motherly feelings for this child inside of me.

Monday night's dream wasn't as terrifying, but was still not fun... and just bizarre. In my dream I somehow missed that I had given birth, forgetting there was a baby to take care of (cue guilt). Then I kept forgetting to feed the baby (who was a boy), and I kept sitting him on a couch, which he would promptly fall off of (more guilt). Then the baby somehow got punched in the face (not by me), and was left horribly deformed and in pain (morer guilt). He also threw up in my mouth (rude). Perhaps a little anxiety about being able to care for a newborn??

Despite some poor sleep and weird dreams, things are still pretty good. I have pretty good energy and I'm working to get completely off nausea meds.... slowly. I'm still pretty uncomfortable by the end of the day in my abdomen/uterus region - achey and slightly crampy. I guess there are some major ligaments stretching down there, and just gradual growth and rearrangement of parts, I guess. But I'm eating healthier (ate legit servings of veggies 3 out of 4 days this week!), and being more active (going to a weightlifting class, walking, etc.). I also am in get-shit-done-mode, so we've toured four daycares so far (two to go), and I am working on getting a will made, hiring a doula, updating our life insurance, and trying to complete some home projects I've been putting off for years. I have a deadline now and that's when I work best!

After inviting some newcomers to follow my blog (hello friends!), I've been reflecting a lot about my miscarriage, how my anxiety has been so far in pregnancy, and generally feeling good about my decision to share my whole pregnancy journey - as this is technically my second pregnancy (which still feels weird to say). Miscarriage is something that while I hope no one I know experiences it, I also know that it was really comforting to me to know some others who had been through it and could "get it." While I had many supportive and loving friends and family members who helped me through it, a miscarriage is something that you don't understand unless you've experienced it (similar to many types of loss or hardships). So I hope that by sharing it with a wider audience, I can provide some comfort or even just some understanding of it all - because unfortunately miscarriage is quite common, just not something that is widely shared, so it's often suffered in silence.

While I don't necessarily take any higher level meaning from my miscarriage (I don't believe it "happened for a reason," etc.), I am to the point where I can acknowledge that I have learned and grown from the experience (this also came with the help of therapy). I think I am more empathetic and slower to offer "sympathetic" advice or words that may actually diminish someone's experience. This video is a great example of learning what not to say as well as what is ok to say when trying to comfort someone. I am also much more aware of my own tendencies toward anxiety and sometimes setting myself up for failure, and knowing this, can actively work to manage my own expectations around birth, breastfeeding, parenting, etc. I wish I didn't have to go through what I did to learn these things, but since I did, I'm glad I'm come out the other side perhaps stronger than I was before.

Ok, again, to end on a high note......... bump pics!

8 weeks vs. 17 weeks

This kid is growin like a boss! Until next time....

Update: Last night dreams got even crazier. I started out with a *ahem* very pleasant dream with John Krasinski from The Office (no complaints there). But then it quickly shifted into a zombie apocalypse dream, where I was pregnant and stumbling around and groaning to fool the zombies into thinking I was one of them. It worked for a while, and then I must have sensed they weren't buying it, so I bit off a live person's ear to prove to them I was a zombie. Normal. In my defense, I was actively thinking about making sure Baby and I survived. So.... there's that.

I do find it funny that these latest dreams were direct references to recent things.... I made an Office reference on Facebook yesterday and Caleb and I watched Resident Evil on Sunday. I also watched Disney's Hercules and The Little Mermaid on Saturday, so hopefully some more pleasant weird dreams are coming my way!